WWE Hell in a Cell 2017 Crash Course

Hell has come and hell has gone for the year 2017. Last night’s Smackdown Live exclusive Pay-Per-View, Hell in a Cell, was kind of like when you order a burger on a ciabatta roll, but the burger itself isn’t all that great. The burger falls apart, but the ciabatta roll is too good to let go to waste so you just end up eating the bread. What the hell am I talking about? Let’s get to it.

The Usos def. The New Day inside a Hell in a Cell to become the NEW Smackdown Live Tag Team Champions via pinfall

The first half of the ciabatta roll was right here. We knew these two teams were going to give it their all and by god did they deliver. A lot of people complain that Hell in a Cell has turned into a glorified street fight with an obstructed view and some could argue that here. The difference is both The Usos and The New Day came up with creative ways to use the cell. At one point The New Day used Kendo Sticks to lock Uso #1 into the corner of the cell. Kendo Sticks were a heavy theme here as all four superstars were being whipped left and right. Eventually a chair came out, was placed on Xavier Woods’ chest, and The Usos delivered a double Frog Splash on the chair to capture the Tag Team gold once again.

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Randy Orton def. Rusev via pinfall

This was, for lack of better words, a classic Randy Orton match. Orton hit his Draping DDT, Snap Powerslam, and eventually his RKO. Rusev looked like he was about to get the Accolade locked in, but Orton slipped out and into an “RKO Out of Nowhere”. Cole’s words not mine. Orton wins by pinfall. Oh and, Happy Rusev Day.

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Baron Corbin def. Tye Dillinger and AJ Styles via pinfall

On the pre-show it was announced that Tye Dillinger would be added to this match after his victory over Baron Corbin on Smackdown Live. This match signifies that first bite of the burger. The bite that is good because you convince yourself you didn’t overpay for shit. These three guys put together a solid match with it really picking up at the end. AJ Styles hits the Phenomenal Forearm on Tye Dillinger and tried to go for the cover. Before Styles can get the cover, he is booted out the ring by Corbin. Corbin, the vulture that he is, picks up the scraps and gets the pinfall victory to become the NEW United States Champion.

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Charlotte def. Natalya via Disqualification (Natalya retains) 

This match really stunk up the joint and killed the crowd. These two ladies are very qualified, but this match didn’t click, not to mention the finish didn’t help their case. The story to the match is that Charlotte is getting her knee worked over. Towards the end of the match, Charlotte goes for a Moonsault from the top rope to the floor onto Natalya. Although she lands it, she tweaks her knee. Natalya takes advantage of the injured knee and uses a chair to injure it more. This results in Charlotte winning by disqualification and since the championship can’t change hands on Disqualification, Natalya retains.

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The Fashion Files: Back 2 Basics

The Fashion Files returned tonight with a new season and a new tease leading toward Smackdown Live on Tuesday. The Ascension come in “disguised” in horrible disguises. Breezango begin shit talking the Ascension who then reveal their true identity. Breezango are baffled that they didn’t notice and the Ascension exit. There is a knock on the door, but when Breezango open it, no one is there, just a briefcase. They open up the briefcase and all the audience sees is a glowing light coming from it. Breezango tell us that it is a new case that needs to solved. Tune into Smackdown Live this Tuesday to learn more.

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Jinder Mahal def. Shinsuke Nakamura to retain the WWE Championship via pinfall

This is the part into the eating of the burger where you are over the fact that you paid for shit and want it to be over. The build to this match was horrendous and the match itself followed suit. If you have seen their other two matches, you have seen this one. Shinsuke gets distracted by Jinder, who hits The Khallas for the pinfall victory. The crowd is murdered at this point.

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Bobby Roode def. Dolph Ziggler via pinfall

Bobby Roode’s entrance sparks some life into Detroit at this point in the show, but they go back to flat lining once the bell rings. Last Tuesday on Smackdown Live, Ziggler promised us a spectacular entrance and he delivered? Dolph comes out with no music, a blacked out titantron, and black ring gear that says “Hollywood Heel”. This match was decent, but once again Dolph was used to get a new guy over. Roode and Dolph start rolling around like a hamster wheel trying to get the pinfall. After the aide of momentum and some handfuls of tights, Roode scores the pinfall victory. Before Roode’s song can even finish the word GLORIOUSSSSSS, Dolph attacks Roode after the match.

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Kevin Owens def. Shane McMahon inside Hell in a Cell via pinfall

Now we are at the part of the burger, where you are so fed up, but you don’t want your whole meal to go to waste. You remember that the ciabatta bread is still the best part and although it is soggy, you begin eating it anyway and enjoying it. There is a sign in the crowd that says “I came to watch Shane McMahon jump off of tall things”, and I’m glad that fan came because they got just that. If you like a Hell in a Cell match that is a complete spot fest, this is your match. Shane hits a Coast to Coast on Owens with a trashcan, Owens falls off the middle of the cell through an announce table, and Shane jumps from the top trying to elbow drop Kevin Owens ala Wrestlemania 32. This is a must watch match and the finish is spectacular. Shane is perched high above the Hell in a Cell with Kevin Owens laid out on an announce table. Shane jumps off the cell and in the nick of time, Owens is pulled off the announce table. That’s right, pulled off, by Sami Zayn no less. After years of fighting in NXT and the main roster, friendship prevailed for these two. But why Sami why? That’s a question for Smackdown Live this Tuesday. Don’t have time to watch it? Stay tuned right here to BeerSpit for the Crash Course Wrestling Column for all the Hell in a Cell 2017 Fallout.

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