Roasting the NFL Draft

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The 2017 NFL Draft came and went this weekend to the usual fanfare on ESPN/NFL Network and social media in general. Philadelphians young and old gathered not just to boo Roger Goodell until their voices were gone, but also to celebrate some accomplished young f̶u̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶e̶l̶o̶n̶s athletes turning their dreams into reality.

 

32 lucky young men took the stage on Thursday night to an applause they’ve only been able to imagine until that point. They shook the commissioner’s hand to confirm that they really are the best of the best, the cream of the crop. All this to welcome them into an exclusive club of some of the richest and most revered and adored people in the world.

 

Doesn’t it just make you want to take ’em down a peg?

 

Same here, that’s why I present to you the inaugural Beerspit NFL Draft Roast. Now because this is my first column on Beerspit and we have to go through 32 of these I’m going to do my roasts in the most condensed, but effective, form I know:

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Without further ado, let’s get to it

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  1. Cleveland Browns — Myles Garrett, DE, Texas A&M

Hey Myles… you look like the world’s most athletic Muppet. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Chicago Bears — Mitch Trubisky, QB, North Carolina (from SF)

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Mitchell looked really good at North Carolina… holding a clipboard. BOOM roasted

 

  1. San Fransisco 49ers — Solomon Thomas, DE, Stanford (from CHI)

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Hey Solomon nice alma mater… NERD!!! BOOM roasted

 

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars — Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU

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Nice 11 on the wonderlic dum dum. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Tennessee Titans — Corey Davis, WR, Western Michigan (from LA)

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Hey Corey, I bet ole’ Rog is grabbing your ass in this pic… and you liked it! BOOM roasted

 

  1. New York Jets — Jamal Adams, S, LSU

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Jamal those sunglasses make you look like Lionel Richie’s illegitimate gay son. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Los Angeles Chargers — Mike Williams, WR, Clemson

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*Walks 90 degrees out of Mike’s sightline*

BOOM roasted

 

  1. Carolina Panthers — Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford

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HEY CHRISTIAN, THIS IS THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE PHOTO OF YOU AND IT’S A MEME OF THE YELLING GUY. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Cincinnati Bengals — John Ross, WR, Washington

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Hey John, bet you’re as fast in the bedroom as you are on the field. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech (from BUF)

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Hey Patrick, you have to spend the foreseeable future smelling Andy Reid’s farts. BOOM roasted

 

  1. New Orleans Saints — Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio State

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Marshon looks like the first round pick I would have the best odds against in a fight… pipsqueak. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Houston Texans — Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson (from HOU)

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We are a wrestling blog first and foremost, so I’ll let this speak for itself. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Arizona Cardinals — Haason Reddick, LB, Temple

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Hey Haason, you tryna tackle him or suck his dick!? BOOM roasted

 

  1. Philadelphia Eagles — Derek Barnett, DE, Tennessee (from MIN)

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I saw this huge red suit and was immediately disappointed I had already made an Andy Reid joke. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Indianapolis Colts — Malik Hooker, S, Ohio State

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Why make fun of the low-hanging fruit that is your last name when you once rocked this hairstyle? BOOM roasted

 

  1. Baltimore Ravens — Marlon Humphrey, CB, Alabama

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Judging by this picture I’ll just say congrats to Marlon on being the first Special Olympian drafted in the first round. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Washington Redskins — Jonathan Allen, DE, Alabama

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Hey Jonathan the only thing more boring than your name? Is your game. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Tennessee Titans — Adoree’ Jackson, DB, USC

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“I’ wonder’ why’ my’ name’ requires’ this’ apostrophe’?” BOOM roasted

 

  1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — O.J. Howard, TE, Alabama

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When has a star O.J. in the NFL not worked out? Oh wait…

BOOM m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d roasted

 

  1. Denver Broncos — Garett Bolles, OT, Utah

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Can’t believe the Raiders didn’t snag Garrett because Mark Davis LOVES that haircut. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Detroit Lions — Jarrad Davis, LB, Lions

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Hey Jarrad… you’re belly button’s weird AF. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Miami Dolphins — Charles Harris, DE, Missouri

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This looks like the picture Harris was forced to take when he couldn’t find a date to Mizzou football formal. BOOM roasted

 

  1. New York Giants — Evan Engram, TE, Ole Miss

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Hey Evan you look like a grown up Jaden Smith… in a bad way. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Oakland Raiders — Gareon Conley, CB, Ohio State

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For his sake I hope Gareon’s better in the NFL than he is on Vine. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Cleveland Browns — Jabrill Peppers, S, Michigan

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You know what they say Jabrill, if you play 7 positions… can you really play 1? BOOM roasted

 

  1. Atlanta Falcons — Takkarist McKinley, DE, UCLA

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Hey Takk I’d bring that grandma of yours out for a nice seafood dinner… and then NEVER call her again. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Buffalo Bills — Tre’Davious White, CB, LSU (from KC)

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Your name’s off the cutting room floor of a Key and Peele skit. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Dallas Cowboys — Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan

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Your name actually made the aforementioned Key and Peele skit. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Cleveland Browns — David Njoku, TE, Miami (from GB)

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Hey David… you have to play for the Browns. BOOM roasted

 

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers — T.J. Watt, LB, Wisconsin

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“THE ENTIRETY OF MY FOOTBALL CAREER WILL BE SPENT AS AN ANECDOTAL REFERENCE TO MY CORNY ASS BROTHER!”

BOOM roasted

 

  1. San Francisco 49ers — Reuben Foster, LB, Alabama (from SEA)

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“Drugs? Nah no not me. Never even heard of em. Just failed my drug test cause I love water.”

Sure.

BOOM roasted

 

  1. New Orleans Saints — Ryan Ramczyk, OT, Wisconsin (from NE)

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When I started feeling like I had to reach on some of these we get to close it out easy.

Ryan you just look like an ordinary fat dorky white guy and not a millionaire pro athlete. BOOM roasted

 

That concludes the inaugural Beerspit NFL Draft Roast. I hope you got a laugh and it helped you deal with your own dire lack of athleticism and ambition. I know it sure helped me.